For the last 2 nights I have slept so deeply.
And I have also dreamed very strongly.
They were very bizarre dreams, as most dreams are.
But they had very happy things happen within them.
I would trade reality for my dreams right now.
Even with all of the craziness of them, they would be better.
On sunday night in my dream, it was like I found him.
It wasn't anyone I knew. Just a dream character.
And in my dream all he did was hold me.
We just stood there wrapped in eachothers arms.
And that comfort was the best thing in the whole world.
I could have stood there forever.
And then I woke up to reality.
Only craving what I don't and can't have.

I wish I had that one person i could rely on.
It doesn't have to be someone special.
Maybe just a friend.
But I generally have no one.

People claim to be there.
But when I feel so lonely I can't take it, I take a look around and I truly see that I am alone.

I spend a lot of time alone.
And it makes me miss my family.
They would be there for me no matter what.
And that is the companionship I miss.

I wish life were easier.
That I had picked a different major.
That I could move home tomorrow and be happy.
I wish for so many things.
I pray for so many things.
I pray for the pain to subside.


"Yes Indeed, I'm alone again
And here comes the emptiness crashing in
Its just anther lonely day"
-Ben Harper-

Another post.
Wow two in one night.
I am alone.
I am so alone
I do not want to upset myself.
But its already done. What can i do?
Its hard when you don't have that one person who will be there for you no matter what.
That person who just looks at you in that way.
That person.

I have never had anyone look at me in that way.
I have never had anyone who wanted to be there for me no matter what.
I have never had that person.
I have always been alone.
It hurts more lately than it ever has before.
I am broken.

I am so pissed off right now.
I always love getting called a bitch by someone I wasn't even a bitch too.
He likes to think that I will crack first.
Well good luck to him.
I am stubborn as hell.
I refuse to talk to him.
And I will not apologize for not doing anything wrong.

Is there something wrong in needing time to yourself?
Figuring out your life?
Getting through a rough month?
Is is possible to do that with out people constantly bugging you, asking you what's wrong all the fucking time.
Apparently not.
Especially when you are dealing with an infant.
He is obviously so immature by they way he is dealing with this.

So here it is...
You call me a bitch...
Your just opening it up for me to truly give you a reason to call me a bitch.
So lets just see how this ends......

I thought I was someone who knew who I was.
I was so sure of who I thought I was.
I thought I knew what I wanted.
I thought I was so sure of a lot of things.

In recent weeks I have come to realize... I have no idea who I am.
I don't know what I want to do with my life.
I don't know what I want to major in.
I am afraid that I am stuck in a major that isn't me.
I thought it was me. I thought it was what I wanted.
And now all I have is this gut feeling that says something else.

And it scares the shit out of me.
What am I supposed to do?
What am I supposed to major in if its not graphic design.
Who am I supposed to be?

The tears are streaming down my cheeks because I am scared out of my mind.
I am so lost in this big world.

Sometimes I feel like there is no one for me to rely on.
I am desperately alone.

Tonight was most definitely a break down and cry night.
I had staff meeting and I just felt like crying from the start.
I don't honestly know why.
I think I am just drained... exhausted... and lonely.

I still cant help but wonder everyday why I am so alone.
The thoughts race in my head.... whats wrong with me?
Am I not pretty?
What is it?
I have been alone for so long.
I should be numb to it by now...

Its January.
So naturally I am homesick.
January always seems to be the worst month... when I miss home the most.
I was hit by it strongly tonight and called my sister.
When I hung up with her... I started to cry.
I miss everyone so much.

And I really really really don't want to start classes tomorrow.
Maybe it will distract me... maybe not.
I just want so much to be done with school.
But I still have 2 years.
I cant wait for post college life.
A job and a normal life.
Ugh!

Today is a day I just wanted to curl up in bed.... forget the world.... and be forgotten by the world.

I am home tonight.
I drove 6 hours today. Fun times.

I checked out with my supervisor and as I walked away... I kinda started to tear up.
I truly love hanging out with my friends on staff.
They are part of my Lubbock family.
We play waaaayyyy too many board games....
But we LOVE it!!
And we spent 2 hours in Krista's room in the middle of night just doing the most random stuff ever.
Playing w/ a vaccuum. Playing the smile game. Playing charades.
Playing musical chairs. Well not really... but we all moved around the room through out those two hours like crazy.

I will enjoy having a break.
And I cannot wait to see my sister!
But I know that I will be happy to return the the H/C and see my friends come January.

I am exhausted.
I have been up til at least 1am every night... and up every morning by 8 for the last week.
Not very fun when it all catches up with you.
But I made the decision to hang out... I can sleep when I get home.
So that is what I will do.....
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.........

I would like to say for a fact that I am over it....
Over him....
But I can't help it...
Everytime a door opens I look up because I am hoping it will be him walking through it....
I am slowly driving myself mad.

Last night a bunch of us hung out.
Why does he have to be such a good guy.
Why?
I can only put it simply.
I am still not over him.
And I so desperately love to hang out with him.
And yet doing so only makes it that much harder to get over him.
I want to be able to hang out just as friends, and we can...
But I mostly want to be able to walk away after hanging out with him and not feel this way.
I don't know what to do.
I only know how I feel.
And I can only feel my heart ache...

I am so silly.
In my head I think... If I can hang out with him and just be myself....
Maybe... maybe... he would think that I have moved on and then he might realize that he feels the same way for me.
And I know that is so ridiculous and not possible.
That is why I hate being in my head...
I hate myself...
I am lame....

"I'm starting to fashion an idea in my head
Where I would impress you
With every single word I said

But for now I'll look so longingly
waiting...
For you to want me, for you to need me, for you to notice me"
-Dashboard Confessional-

Its never simple....
Never easy.....

I need to say everything I want to say.
I want to feel better.
I want to get out of my own head.
I am a messed up girl who overanalyzes everything.
I wish it was easy.

But I know that I am going to talk to him.
I have to say everything that needs to be said.
And I have questions that need answers.

But this will be the first time I have ever done this.
But I have tormented myself in years before.
And I wont do that to myself this time.
So I am going to say it all... even if I am shaking and a little freaked out.
Today is the day......

Holding on
The days drag on
Stupid girl, I should have known
I should have known

I'm not a princess, this ain't a fairytale
I'm not the one you sweep off her feet,
Lead her up the stairwell.

I am falling... and I probably shouldnt be.
I just am so confused and I dont really know how I feel.
But there are butterflies... and that is always a good sign.

I just want to curl up on the floor with nothing but my tears and let the world forget me.

I feel like there is nothing to live for in my life right now.
The only thing that makes me feel alive is Twilight.
How sad is that.... living through a book series?

The need to cry has been a heavy weight lately.
It hits me alot.
And it seems there is nothing I can possibly think of to make the tears stop.

Seriously... what is there to live for?
I am lost.
Desperately lost.

This stupid grin I have to stick on my face... to keep people from asking me if I am alright...

I need to save me from myself and old habits.

"Oh look at how she listens
She says nothing of what she thinks
She just goes stumbling through her memories
Staring out onto greystreet

And she think 'Hey how did I come to this?'
I dreamed myself a thousand times around the world
But I can't get out of this place

And theres an emptiness inside her
And she'd do anything to fill it in
But all the colors mix together
To grey
And it breaks her heart

How she wishes it was different
She prays to God most every night
And though she swears he doesn't listen
Theres still a hope in her he might

She says I pray
Oh but they fall on deaf ears
Am I supposed to take it on myself to get out of this place

Oh and theres a loneliness inside her
And she'd do anything to fill it in
And though its red blood bleeding from her now
It feels like cold blue ice in her heart

And all the colors mix together
To grey
And it breaks her heart"
- Dave Matthews Band -

I am officially done with Breaking Dawn,
I finished the last 4 chapters today.
I went through a phase where I was so sad that it was going to be over that I just stopped reading.
But I made myself finish it today.
And now I am reading Twilight again.

Where is the Edward of my life?
Will there ever be someone who can just take my breath away?
I really miss old fashioned guys... it seems that good guys are just so few and inbetween these days.

I am a little sad tonight.
But I am always a little sad when night falls and I am alone again.

I would not be surviving this semester if it weren't for Katie.
She is my life line.
My person.
She is the first person I want to talk to when something happens.
And we are able to talk about Twilight on and on and on and never get bored.
Anytime we hang out.... my cheeks will literally hurt from smiling and laughing so much.
If only there were more time with her in the week.....

Today was okay.
Got some bad news this morning and cried when I first heard.
Called my sister and felt better.
I miss her so much that it hurts.
And a phone call just isn't enough sometimes.
But I am glad I at least have that.

Where did my day go?
Where did the time go?
I want to fast forward to Thanksgiving and Christmas...
So maybe its a good thing time is disappearing.....

There are no words.... only the song that I keep listening to over and over again.

"I was afraid to be alone
But now I'm scared thats how I like to be

And now my sorrow seems so far away
Until I'm taken by these bolts of pain
But I turn them off and tuck them away

And then I'll cry so hard to these sad songs
And the words still ring once here now gone
And they echo through my head everday
And I don't think they'll ever go away

Just like thinking of your childhood home.
But we can't go back, were on our own

And I think I'll want to be alone
So please understand if I dont answer the phone"
- Azure Ray -

There is something missing.
From me.
From my life.
When I am alone all I feel is emptiness.
I need the constant distraction of something to numb the pain....